An MRI Scan of the Congress Malady

Disclaimer: This Article is purely a work of fiction. All the characters and events mentioned here are purely imaginary and carry no resemblance to persons living or nonliving. No animals were harmed during the making of this Article (not 370)

Dr Govind Raj Shenoy

It is quite evident now that Amit Shah used a "Thorn to pull out a thorn in the flesh" trick. He used a provision within Article 370 to kill the Article 370, practically ending the hegemony of the Muftis and Abdullahs in Kashmir. There are shrill secular noises all over India, especially in Kerala. DYFI, the youth wing of Communist party sent a strong message to the Anti-democratic Modi - Shah duo by holding a grand march to a Post Office in Malappuram district of Kerala. That surely must've sent shivers down the spines of Modi and Shah.
While several parties from the opposition supported the Presidential order on A370, the Congress and Communists strongly opposed it on the floor. But there is a difference between the Congress and Communists. The Communists are going full throttle in their opposition. They are getting ready to storm the Parliament street and wage war if necessary to reinstate Article 370 and restore "normalcy" in Kashmir.
This is where Congress has differed. Though they voted against the Presidential order, the party is divided vertically down the middle on the ground. Young leaders like Deependar Hooda, Milind Deora and Jaiveer Shergill have made confusing "personal" statements. The message is, they aren't opposed to abrogation of Article 370, but they are against the high handed way it has been done. Senior Congress leader and Lohia disciple Janardhan Dwivedi has supported the move saying, "A historical blunder has been remedied." In principle, he agrees Article 370 was a Nehruvian Blunder, though he would not admit it openly.
Ghulam Nabi Azad and Kapil Sibal have opposed it "tooth and nail". They have called it a historical blunder and anti-minority act. But former Congress Rajya Sabha Chief Whip Bhuvaneshwar Kalita believes the toothless party has bitten more than it can chew and this move can be the last nail in the coffin for the Congress. He has branded the Congress stand on A370 as "Against the mood of the nation." Kalita quit the Chief Whip post and the party before the bill went on the floor because he didn't want to issue a whip to oppose the bill. He also has resigned from Rajya Sabha. Confusion is ruling the roost in Congress camp. Congress has become Con(fusion)gress, thanks to Article 370.
Adhir Ranjan Chaudhary, Congress leader in the Lok Sabha has taken the Con-fusion to another level during his speech slamming Modi government. He asked, "Is Article 370 an internal matter of India?" leading to a huge uproar. He left Sonia seriously upset and red-faced. Congress will have a lot more to explain now even though Chaudhary explained his stand and blamed BJP of raking up controversy unnecessarily. The soup just got murkier for Congress.
Coming behind the Triple Talaq bill debacle and amidst all the confusion, what are the "Big 3" in Congress thinking? The Nehru family inheritors, the torchbearers of "Idea of India" and "Secularism"; what are they thinking? Their open posturing may not reflect the real turmoil. Sonia, Rahul and Priyanka have made no noise or have been incoherent at best. What could be their real thoughts? Since it is impossible to diagnose what's going on inside their minds, we had to connect all the MRI (Mind Reading Imagination) machines to look inside. Here is an honest attempt to delve deep into the minds of the Nehru family. And here are some of the thoughts we collected using the MRI machines.
Sonia's MRI Report: Hffff. Well, there goes another divisive issue that always brought us votes. Triple Talaq, Kashmir, Castes, RSS the scarecrow and Ayodhya were some of the issues that helped our party to build our vote banks. We always pitted the stupid, divided Hindus versus emotional Muslims to build our vote banks and increase our bank balances.
Today, all the corridors of power in Delhi are swarming with these RSS people. I still remember those beautiful days when Indira-ji had put all these pests in jail in 1975. It was a mistake we didn't finish them off during our rule. Now, this Modi guy has robbed our bank balances with demonetization. He has left no big states in our hands with Karnataka too gone. Triple Talaq and A370 will further strengthen his vote banks while we aren't sure if our voters will remain with us.
Staying true to Nehruvian egalitarianism, our party supported and propped up the Hurriyat leaders like Syed Ali Shah Geelani, Mirwaiz Umar Farooq and Yaseen Malik. They had kept the Kashmir issue burning all these years. They had provided employment to hundreds of Kashmiri youth with those stone-pelting jobs. Even Muftis and Abdullahs have made great contributions towards Kashmir remaining an emotionally sensitive issue for seven decades. By sidelining all these people and robbing the Kashmiri youth of the stone-pelting jobs, Modi has struck at the heart of Nehruvian legacy.

By removing Article 370, they have made it easier for my Darling Robber oops Robert to acquire lands in the valley. With the kind of money we have, we can probably buy the entire state. We will then buy PoJK too

But none of these can be as bad as what's going on at home. My worst problem is homegrown. Raul, I can't for heaven's sake understand why that stupid kid had to resign. If that Junior Scindhia or Junior Pilot show some guts, the party will be over for Raul forever. Only I know how I had to use these idiotic sycophants in our party to throw that old man Kesri out and reclaim the party for our family. I must talk to Raul and ask him to develop the killer instinct I had shown in 1998.
Raul must grow up and we must do something drastic now. Else this government will destroy the wonderful legacy of Nehru-ji conserved by my family over the years. If the ordinary poor people of this country prosper, how can we sustain our legacy? We must do something drastic to stop this nonsense of development, unity and progress.
Priyanka's MRI Report: I can not even giggle at the stupidity of this Modi and Shah combine. People might misunderstand it. By removing Article 370, they have made it easier for my Darling Robber oops Robert to acquire lands in the valley. With the kind of money we have, we can probably buy the entire state. We will then buy PoJK too. They say our ancestors came from Kashmir. Nehru-ji was a Kashmiri Pandit. So Kashmir belongs to us. We will own it soon. I have my Dadi's nose and hence we can play the family sentiments and fool the people easily.
If stupid Raul can somehow pull his act together and we can regain power, I'll leave India to Raul and go and settle down in Kashmir. Such a lovely place and what a great idea it will be. We will gift Kashmir to Raihan. He will definitely love it. With Raul not keen to marry, India too will belong to Raihan once Raul is gone. Oh My God, I can't wait for that day!
Rahul's MRI Report: This morning, when I woke up at night, some idiot told me the BJP has removed Article 370 from the constitution. He was grumbling like that bear in the Mini Siam Zoo in Pattaya. Kapil was screaming his guts out on TV channels like Kung Fu Panda and Ghulam was seething as if he were Tom the cat harassed by Jerry the mouse. Yechuri was barking too, like Pidi often does.
What's wrong with these people? Are they serious? I don't understand one bit. When the BJP removed 377, these same people said or did nothing. Is 370 larger than 377? Obviously not. Even an idiot dolt like Kejriwal knows that. That's why he supported the removal of 370. Then why is this hullabaloo in our party?
There are so many articles and what if they remove 370 and 377? I won't mind even if they remove 371, 372, 373, 374, 375 and 376 too. Let them remove everything. I will have that many lesser Articles to worry about when I grow up and become Prime Minister. I think I should not worry about these things. Hua so hua. I should ask Sam to come out with another catchy slogan like “Chowkidar Chor hai” to plan my comeback with a Dhamaaka in 2024!
(The writer is a columnist and writes mostly on Politics, Cricket and Cinema)